Excuse Me Misster

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Jan 2

The rest of 2011!

Hello World!

It’s been quite a long time since my last post, so I thought I’d recap the top five incidents that have happened during the rest of 2011.  Strangely, all of these incidents happened in the month of October, within a week of each other.  Some even happening within the same day.  

1.  During the weekend of October 22nd, I traveled via coach bus to Philadelphia with some friends to visit another friend who lives just outside of the city.  Although I thought I might have some problems early on, the trip was pretty quiet until Sunday rolled around. That morning, we decided to have brunch at the Cheesecake Factory. Sitting at the table, I carefully scanned the menu for meatless options as I’m a vegetarian.  After perusing the menu, I decided to order the breakfast burrito, hold the meat, with a side of black beans.  I quickly dug into my meal, only to feel very ill minutes later (I think the beans were most likely cooked with animal fat).  Sitting there, unable to move, I dry-heaved, and fearing I might vomit at the table, got up and ran to the ladies room.  As I entered, a wave of relief passed over me but abruptly dissipated when a woman at the sink saw me and the following conversation ensued:

Woman:  You can’t come in here, this is the ladies room.  
Me:  (Ready to vomit, pointing at my chest and running into the open stall) “I’m a woman!” 

2.  That very same day, after brunch we decided to head to a nearby mall for a little afternoon shopping.  After the Cheesecake incident, I decided to take it easy, so one friend and I hung out inside of Starbucks while the rest of our friends shopped.  As I approached the register counter, looking for my wallet, I heard one of the cashiers say “Sir, I can help you over here”.  After a couple of moments I turned my head to see that I was the only person resembling a male in the entire coffee shop, so realizing the cashier was talking to me, I went up and placed my order.  After ordering a coffee and a soy chai latte with no foam, the cashier (a girl who looked like she was in her late teens or early twenties) asked for the name on the order, to which I replied and handed her my Starbucks gold card (which has my full name printed on the front).  After paying, the cashier handed me the coffee and I headed over to the counter to wait for the chai.  A few moments later, a barista came and placed a drink on the counter and announced that she had a “soy chai latte with no foam for Steven”.  A few moments later, realizing the drink was still on the counter she announced again that she had a drink for Steven and again no one took the drink.  After looking around the entire Starbucks and seeing no men anywhere, I grabbed the drink (which had the name Steven scrolled on the front) off of the counter, realizing that the cashier had messed up the name on my order.   

3.  After our visit to the mall, we went back to the friend’s house, where we were staying, to gather our things and then headed to the 30th Street Station to wait for the bus back to New York City.  Upon arriving early at 30th street, my friend and I decided to use the bathroom.  Running into the station, we entered the empty ladies room. Being the first to finish, I washed my hands as I waited for my friend to come out of the stall.  In the middle of washing my hands, an middle-aged woman entered the bathroom and the following conversation ensued:

Woman:  Oh I must have the wrong bathroom
Me:  Nope, you have the right one.  I’m a woman. 

4.  On Sunday, October 30th, I decided that I needed a low maintenance Halloween costume.  My friend and I decided that we were going to dress up as Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne which involved us wearing Superman and Batman logo tee-shirts underneath our regular clothes.  Additionally, I needed some nerdy glasses to go with my costume so that afternoon I headed to CVS to see what I could find.  Upon entering the store I saw an elderly woman who immediately waved me over.  As I approached her, she asked me if I could help her put the items she had purchased (which consisted of about 25 cans of cat food) into her small shopping cart.  As I helped her the following conversation ensued:

Elderly Lady:  Thank you so much for your help, young man.
Me:  Your welcome.
Elderly Lady:  How old are you? You look like you’re about twelve or fourteen?
Me:  Yup.
Elderly Lady:  Are you a boy scout?
Me:  No.
Elderly Lady:  Well then you just did your good deed for the day.  What’s your name?
Me:  (Loading the last of the cat food into the cart) Chris.
Elderly:  Thank you so much, Chris.
Me:  You’re welcome.

5.  The last incident happened on Halloween.  On October 31st around 4pm, I rode the subway home from work.  Now generally when I ride the subway, I listen to my ipod which, for the most part, distracts me from whatever else is going on.  So in typical fashion, I hopped on the subway and plugged in, not paying any attention to the small group of teenagers who were standing across from where I was sitting.  About five stops away from my stop, the teenagers moved closer to the doors of the subway and it was three stops away that the strangest thing happened.  Right before the doors opened, one of the teenagers who was standing next to my seat placed his hand on my head and rubbed it vigorously as the other teenagers in the group laughed.  Caught off guard, by the time I looked up to realize what had happened, the boy had already jetted out of the subway car right as the doors opened.  Not really knowing what else to do, I went back to listening to my headphones.  

Happy New Year!

Stay tuned!

Completely Random #1

Hello world!

So in addition to journaling my experiences of being mistaken for a man, I’ve decided to add one or two other sections to my blog.  One of these sections will consist of entries in which I describe situations that I feel might indirectly be related to my hair/the fact that I present myself in a masculine way or situations that I just find odd.  Below is an incident that happened to me yesterday while I was shopping for cargo shorts in a Kohl’s department store.

This week I’m vacationing at my parents house.  As I think I’ve mentioned previously, I tend to do most of my shopping during these trips home.  Since I hate spending money on clothes, I tend to be a clearance rack junkie.  This causes me to spend lots of time at Old Navy and Kohl’s due to their extensive clearance sections!

Generally, I find shopping to be a pain because I shop in the men’s section.  This means that I have to drag myself from one end of the store (the men’s section where I pick out my clothes) over to the other end of the store (the women’s section where all of the dressing rooms are) and then sometimes back again depending on if I need a different size etc. 

After an unsuccessful attempt at trying to find cargo shorts in my size at Old Navy, I headed over to Kohl’s.  Luckily, they had a ton of styles/colors to choose from and I quickly found many shorts in my size.  After trying them on, I headed back to the men’s section to put back the ones that didn’t fit because I sort of felt weird about leaving men’s clothes on the return rack in the women’s dressing room. It was as I was returning the shorts back to their rightful places, that a middle-aged, caucasian woman walked right up to me and the following conversation ensued:

Woman:  ”Excuse me, do you work here?”
Me:  ”No.”
Woman:   :::staring at me::: “Oh… ok”

So far, the only reason I could come up with for being mistaken for an employee was that I was putting clothes back where they belonged.  However, for some reason I still feel that this incident was noteworthy.  

Top 10 Previous Incidents

Hello world!

So it’s been a bit of time since I last posted and suprisingly, I haven’t had any new incidents.

To stay true to my last post, the following are what I consider my top ten previous incidents (or at least the ones I could remember) and I decided on ordering them chronologically, starting with the most recent. I hope you find them as hilarious as I do!  

10.  Last Tuesday, I was an audience member for the taping of a certain late night show.  On the way up to the studio, all audience members were required to walk through metal detectors.  When it was my turn, the security guard approached me and said “Sir, please remove any things you may…” to which I replied mid sentence, “It’s ma’am.” Startled and embarrassed, he asked me again to remove everything from my pockets and step through scanning.

9.  During 4th of July weekend, I went to visit one of my friends at his summer bungalow.  As I drove into the bungalow village, I saw happy families barbecuing and small children laughing and playing, which made me think I’d definitely have some type of incident.  Sure enough as my friend and I were lounging in the front yard, two small children (a girl of about age five and a boy of about age three) holding potato chips in their hands, ran up to us and demanded that we give them quarters for the chips.  Fifty cents to be exact.  After we told the kids we had no quarters, they stood their for a couple minutes.  Before they both left, the little girl and I had the following conversation:

Little Girl:  ”Are you a boy or a girl?”
Me:  ”I’m a girl, thanks for asking!”
Little Girl:  ”Oh, I was thinking that.”

8.  About a month and a half ago, I had dinner with a friend, at a Cheesecake Factory in New Jersey.  During the end of dinner I got up to go use the ladies restroom, which was empty when I entered.  While I was washing my hands, two middle aged ladies opened the door.  They then looked over at me and then confused, looked back at the sign on the door several times, checking to make sure they had the right bathroom.  

7.  One of my best friends just got married this week.  At the end of June I attended her bachelorette party which consisted of dinner and dancing at a club in Manhattan.  So while dinner was a huge success, the club was another story.  The first incident happened during ID check to get into the club.  A bunch of under age people were trying to get into the club with fake IDs and the bouncer was actually confiscating them.  For fear that I’d have my ID taken, I warned the bouncer that I cut my hair and that the picture on my ID wasn’t recent.  He then grumbled and took ten minutes to look at my ID, stating that he had the “hardest job in the world”.  Once I got into the club, I went downstairs to use the restroom.  After standing on what seemed to be a thirty minute line, I finally made it into the actual restroom only to be yelled at by the attendant who told me I had the wrong bathroom.  In response, I turned around putting my hand up and pointing to my chest and yelling back “I’m a woman!”.  Embarrassed, she apologized, opened the door to a stall and motioned for me to enter.  

6.  In the beginning of June, I went to a Russian restaurant in Brooklyn to celebrate the birthday of one of my closest friends.  It was the type of dinner where they put a ton of food on the table and then go around and serve you.  So, I’m a vegetarian and I have to say that the servers were really accommodating, making sure there was something for me to eat etc.  They even went as far as to check up on me every about twenty minutes and each time they did, they addressed me as “Sir”.  

5.  A couple months ago, I went to see that horror movie INSIDIOUS with a couple friends at a movie theatre in Queens.  The whole night went pretty smooth- my friends enjoyed the movie and I sat with my hands over my eyes the entire time- that is until it was time to use the restroom.  After the movie, we got on the super long, out the door line for the ladies room.  As I finally made my way into the actual restroom, a Hispanic woman and her two daughters were walking out and as soon as the woman saw me, she started hysterically yelling at the top of her lungs that I was in the wrong restroom. In response, I pointed to my chest and said “I’m a woman”.  

4.  During the months of December and January, I make a lot of trips home to see my family and do a lot of post holiday shopping, and since I don’t have a car, I take most of these trips by train.  At the end of one particular trip, my mom dropped me off at the train station.  Upon leaving her car and grabbing my bags, a nearby taxi driver stuck his head and half of his upper torso out of the driver’s side window and screamed out “ANY MAN THAT SHOPS AT KOHL’S IS A FRIEND OF MINE!!!!” to which I turned and gave him a thumbs up as I walked up to the train platform.  

3.  So I’m not even going to deny it.  I am addicted to Starbucks.  Soy chai tea lattes to be exact.  I’m even a gold star member- boy was I excited when I got that little gold card.  Every morning I get my fix on the way to work. However, when I’m on vacation, I’ll go in the afternoon.  Needless to say, all of the baristas on the morning shift (and some on the afternoon shift) know my name, gender and drink order by heart.  One afternoon, while I was on vacation, I saw a barista that I’d never seen before and who I assumed to be new.  After ordering my drink, she proceeded to ring me up.  The conversation went something like this:

Barista:  :::nervously::: “Uhh, sir, ma’am, sir, uhh ma’am…will that be all?”
Me:  ”Yes.”
Barista:  :::swipes my card, still nervous::: “Have a great day!”
Me:  ”You too.”

2.  Sometimes when I go home to visit my family, I’ll occasionally go food shopping with my mom.  The way it usually works is that I get all the cold cuts from the deli counter while she grabs stuff from the first couple aisles.  We then typically reunite near the meat section.  On one particular trip, as I met up with my mom, we bumped into a woman who was a friend of hers, who I had never met before.  Here is the beginning (and best part) of their conversation:

Mom:  ”Hi, _________ how are you?”
Friend:  ”Hi, I’m great how are you? Oh is this your son?”
Mom:  ”No this is my daughter.”
Me:  ”Hi, nice to meet you.”

1.  This last incident is the first funny incident that I remember happening with my new haircut.  It happened on a weeknight some time last summer at a Chipotle in Manhattan.  As usual, I stood on line to order my vegetarian burrito.  When I got to the register, a very nice Hispanic lady rang me up.  Here was our conversation:

Nice Lady:  ”Hi how are you doing tonight, sir?”
Me:  ”Hi, I’m great how are you?”
Nice Lady:  ”I am fine, will that be all sir?”

Now for the most part, I usually don’t correct people unless I’m in a situation that inconveniences me (like the restroom etc.), however this poor lady’s super flamboyant manager was also listening in on the conversation and did feel the need to correct her:

Angry Flamboyant Manager:  :::clapping his hands::: “That’s ma’am! ma’am! She’s a ma’am!”
Nice Lady:  :::embarrased and upset::: “Ohhhhh I am so sorry! Please forgive me, I am so sorry!”
Me:  ”Don’t worry it’s ok!”

Well dear readers, I hope you have enjoyed reading this blog entry as much as I have enjoyed sharing it.  As always, I would love to hear from you, so please leave comments! I will be updating this blog as per my experiences allow!  Stay tuned!

Welcome!

*DISCLAIMER* 

Dear everyone,

I’m writing this blog because I think my life experiences are ridiculously hilarious. Currently, I really have no other reason for writing this blog other than to entertain myself and others.  As soon as I figure out how to do it, I will be allowing people to comment on my posts.  I am asking that all readers of my blog be nice to each other!!! Please don’t get into tumblr fights!!! I’m not going to be taking this blog too seriously and neither should you!!!

Hello world!

So a little over a year ago, I buzzed off, what many people considered, a beautiful head of brown curly hair.  I, on the other hand, had always found my hair to be a huge source of negativity in my life.  I always hated washing it, brushing it and no matter what, I could never style it to my liking.  

Additionally, although I was complimented endlessly by adults, I was tormented about my hair daily, through most of junior high school and high school.  I remember being a 7th grader sitting in the cafeteria during lunch getting butter and other condiments thrown at my hair while being called “Fro-zanne”.  I also remember how embarrassing it was to have three of my friends help me get cleaned up.  Disclaimer:  don’t be ashamed if that nickname made you laugh, because in hindsight, it’s actually pretty damn funny!  

As I grew older, I felt that my hair just didn’t fit my personality.  I think this was especially apparent when I came out of the closet.  It was hard to express the masculine side of myself.  How do you rock a t-shirt and cargo shorts with a head of thick curly feminine hair?

A solution to my problem arrived last year, when two of my friends decided to buzz their hair off.  Why hadn’t I thought of this? I always joked with several close friends about how I would one day shave my head, but I guess I was never really serious.  

On Monday, July 5th, 2010 I got my hair buzzed off down on Orchard Street in Manhattan.  I remember sitting in the barber chair, the hairstylist turning on his stereo, and I remember the feeling of freedom as Lucinda Williams played in the background. My life hasn’t been the same since that day, for many different reasons.  There is, however, only one reason that I will discuss in this blog:

REASON:  Due to my new haircut, I am now mistaken for a man, almost daily!

Why would anyone start a blog about being mistaken for a man? 

I started this blog because most of my experiences wind up being hilarious (at least to me).  However the experience that truly made me realize I should start a blog, was the one that happened today.  

As I was checking my email this morning, I saw a notification that someone wrote me a message on the online dating site I belong to.  Later in the afternoon, after logging on and checking out the author’s profile, I read the message she had sent and I quote:

"hello there…how are you? I m not into guys…just looking for a good friend….."

I think this is hilarious!!! I also think it’s interesting because it’s the first time I’ve ever been mistaken for a man by another member of the LGBT community! 

Anyway, I hope you found this blog entry somewhat entertaining.  In the next few days I will be posting some of my funniest past experiences- which I hope you will find as hilarious as I do!

Stay tuned!

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